pirate love

9:59pm: i am so confused about everything. family and school is so fucked up. im messing up my relationships. and also i think i might be gay. i dont feel the same way about girls anymore;;; is so fucking crazy. okay i admit it. i am gay. ive joined some gay youth groups online and shit. im been researching online. i am gay. i came out to myself on sunday. i dont know about my parents. thats going to take a little time. ive been even looking at max and jeff wierd. i dont know anymore.
i made this entry private. no one will see this. just me. im not quite ready to come out to my friends yet. it will take time. it took time to come out to myself.

confused

8:45pm: its been a while since ive updated... but there is too much to say... but ill highlight some things... no skateboard,not cool, went to D.C., that was fun, met a girl, thats fun too, i hate my parents, not as much as i hate myself, took a test for schools, ahh that was way to early in the day, im going for interviews at rye country day on wednesday and riverdale on friday, got a call last night from someone i thought i would never talk to again, went to the mall haha and got some girls pants, sexy ones, okay thats it

10:22pm: be careful what you wish for
wow life is great... just a walk in the park... boy oh boy its wonderful... no its not... arrggghhh haha.... fuck im pissed... i hate parents so much... and when i tell them that they dont belive me and thing its cuz im mad at them... well mother fuckers... i hate you... i want to go to bording school... really badly... like all my friends are like kyle your a faggit what the fuck is wrong with you and shit like that... i need time away from home... like a long fucking vacation... yeah it would be school but there would be no parents... like my parents arent like get all a's or ill kill you they are like just try harder and harder and harder... when i do good its not good enough... when i do bad its horrible and it means now they have to step in and get involved in my school shit... they dont know what they are stepping into... so in last last 2 days they now wont let me skate wont let me go online took away my phone and they hired a tutor... the wierd shit is my tutor is ms. walsh... but like every day its so wierd.. where ever i am she comes and picks me up and takes me either home or to A.L.M.S. ahhh like i wanted help with school and shit to get me back on track but not this... this is way overboard and way wierd... back to my parents.. what is taking shit away from me going to do... do work?... ummm no... its pissing me off and making me hate them more... i understand why they want and try to get involved but why cant they do it right?... they dont get it... they think i just dont apply my self to school and that if i am not distracted by other things i will work... no... thats not it at all... if i had all the time in the world in the most quiet place or where ever i work best... i wouldnt do it... the other night i had to do school applications and i didnt do it... not because i didnt want to but it was to hard... like the question was what are some of your greatest strengths and weaknesses... thats pretty easly right... no its not... if i didnt answer that perfectly there goes my only shot of getting in... my grades obviously arent going to... so if i said one word that the person reading it didnt like its over... thats it im not getting in... and if i thought i blew my only shot by making a spelling or gramar mistake or just phrased something in a way the reader didnt understand that would be horrible... fuck it im done

8:39pm: maybe a bowl of candy is the cure
srry i didnt finish my last entry thingy... it got to long and my dad started yelling at me becuase it was too late or something... what ever haha.... i had a crazy day... on my way home from school today my phone rang and when i answered the person on the other line was like kyle allen hello and she started to laugh haha it was ms. walsh (my social studies teacher from last year) kinda weird right... yeah i agree but its cool.. last year she got mad at me because i never did homework... she made me stay after school everyday with her and i would do all my work then... we became friends i guess and i would tell her everything... and then she would yell at me cuz im an idiot haha... but anyway she called me and ended up picking me up and taking me back to albert leneord with her haha... she was like kyle whats going on blah blah blah... my dad called her and told her how i failed spanish and how i dont care about school and shit... so we talked and i told her everything like what i was thinking about life and stuff like that... we came up with that im scared of failure... because failing hurts obviuosly... i would just not try so if i did badly i would be like well its not like i tried so i dont care... and if i did well that was cool... but of coarse thats not all thats making me well sad i guess... so after ms. walsh drove me home i had to go to a person... a shrink thing... i dont know what they are really called... and it was my first time so it was weird... my parents stayed in the room thing for a few minutes and that made things so wierd... when my parents were in the room i couldnt talk for some reason... everytime the lady would ask me a question i would mumble the answer so softly she just stopped asking me questions after a little... finally my parnets left the room and i opened up to this lady right away... i dont even kno her name but in the 15 minutes i was there i told her everything that has been on my mind for the last month... i dont need to kno the person im talking to i just need to kno why im so sad all the time... there is nothing i can do... the only time i truely smile is at 2 in the morning talking to lena online.. or when im with her... and thats been 3 times so far haha... but shes soo amazing haha... what a cool girl... anyway i need to kno why im unhappy... i cant help but think the is something wrong with me... i neeeed medicine or just any cure for it... i would do anything to be better right away... i hate being sad... its not like me to not laugh about everthing... i kno there is something wrong and i want that lady to tell me there is and give me the cure... i kno its not just my feelings... i cant get better by myself... i need pills or something... anything would do as long as i dont feel sad... i told the lady that right away and the first thing she asked was if i had ever thought of suicide... NO i havent thought of suicide... i love to live.. thats why i want to get better... i cant even think about self mutalation with out feeling ill... to me thats horrible.. why would you hurt your self to feel better... its a complete oxymoron... whatever... for some reason i dont thnik she believed me when i said no so she stayed on the topic... she asked so many questions... and i answered all with no... but now i have to go see her tomarow at 3:45 haha i dont mind though... i almost want to go again... she has a bowl of candy

11:03pm: why does it hurt to be loved
today was so not fun... it was one of those days where the bad things just build up on top of each other until the tower topples over and im sitting there wanting to get away from where i am... i wanted to just run away not for long only to show im not okay... today started with a wet ground like what the fuck i was late and i needed to skate to the bus but it was wet so i had to run... thats always fun... then in math we had a test... well i wasnt in the mood so i left it blank... that whole period i did nothing but complain in my head... i looked around the class and just made a comment to myself on everyone... like what the fuck is up with that kids nose its so big and fucked up or that girls skin is soooo pale or things i wouldnt care about or even notice if it wasnt a day like today was... yep... a zero on a math test... that averaged to a 70 and a 20 will be a great grade... what ever... then in art courtney was like kyle what the fuck you look so sad you need a hug and shit... i didnt look sad... i couldnt it was the only period of the day i wouldnt get yelled at by a teacher or some other fuck... then spanish came... my favorite class of the day... not... ehhh i hate my teacher what a bitch... she yelled at me for listening to music... its school you fuck when am i not listening to music... she was like you need to pay attention and we were in groups going over the projects due wednesday... there wasnt anything to pay attention to... then school was over fucking finally... and that was good... like i was gunna chill with lena so that couldnt be bad... it couldnt be less then amazing becuase shes an amazing girl... so i get home and kinda wait for her to call me then im like fuck it im going skating... everyone was at conor prunty's so i was alone... then i was bored of being alone so i went to nicky's pizza i was short like 50 cents but gino said it was fine... i stayed there a while... sitting looking at my fone waiting for it to ring... then i went skating again... nothing great just skating the train station gap... so of coarse it starts to rain then... so i went under the bridge tried to skate alil but it was to dark to see anything... i sat down and called melissa she was watching a movie so we didnt really talk.. i just listened to the movie haha... then the rain stopped but it was so dark and everything was wet so i went over to the playground right near there... there is this small room type thing under the dinosour slide... so i curled up in a ball and chilled in the for a while... dylan called and i said i was going home soon and not to come... it was true but honestly i was fine and somehow i almost enjoyed being alone in the cold dark fuck that today was... i got home a little bit later and my parents were home already... i went upstairs and fell asleep almost immediatly... it felt good to get warm... then my mom woke me up and we went out for dinner just her and i... being outside again made my body ache and i felt even more tired... later my parents came to talk to me and it was a whole big argument then i just shut up and let them talk... i stopped listening right away and i think they knew that but they still just went on and on about how... well i dont kno what they went on about i wasnt listening... when they finally left i just sat down on my couch and started to cry i wanted to start over again so badly... ive dug a hole so deep for myself in school there is no way it can be the way it should be... like yeah im a smart kid... when i want to be... like if i do well on a test ill go wow that was easy and start to pay more attention in that class and for like a week i would do well in that class... but then id fuck up on a test and then go fuck it why did i try... ive developed the bad habbit of saying i dont care and trying to prove to people i dont... like on that math test today... i knew more then half of what was on it... i just told myself i hate ms prikasky and that was enough for me to not even try on her test... but now my parents are like we kno you do care and for some fucked up reason im going to show them i dont... its so stupid because i do care i just dont want people to think i do... later my dad came down and started the conversation with your brother is upstairs putting pictures from skate magazines on his wall not because he likes skateboards, its because you do... like hearing that made me want to throw up... i kno its true wich makes it worse... why would

6:57pm: i want to break more skateboards

argh i hate school haha... its so long and boring... i fell asleep in 4 classes today and that like made my day... thats probibly the most sleep ive gotten in a week... during my bio test i fell asleep and had a dream... i forget exaclty what it was but it i kno spencer was in it... he came back to school today finally... for the 8 school days he missed or what ever i think i said 10 words in total in all my classes... haha its a friday and im home this kinda sucks but what ever...

 

12:03am: max is on my lap
tonight was waaccckkkk... haha it wasnt very fun... it started with school and i got yelled at by all my teachers... i am kinda missing to much work to pass so i have to make it up by friday... but then later in the day as we (me max dylan and nick nuge) were walking home some girls yelled out a car and wanted to rape us so we hung out with them an hour later... then nick trew a soda at a car and we never met back up with them... but on our journey home we stopped at tameras house to warm up... thanks to max.. but i got punched on the nut sack strait on with a fist... haha i got fisted and it killed the night... and i love it when my mom just decides to be a bitch so she choose to be one and picked us up at like 9 haha... then we went to larchmont to try and skate alil in a parking garage but the cops came so we ran and ran and ran... max was left behind but we ran on and on and on... in the end we went back for him... the lucky bastard... but they got us and took us to jail... we werent even read our rights they wree like eh you faggits bend over and let me frisk you then the old fuck cock slapped all of us and laughed... well no we were never caught we just ran to our secret layer (nicky's pizza) and were safe... but when my mom is a bitch of coarse max's mom is too so she came and got us and well now were all at dylans... dylan is doing homework and max is on my lap! and i love it!

10:51pm: first time
why am i retarded... i cant do this shit... yeah so i didnt even make this haha... i cant take the credit for its amazingness. I dont kno but something went gay and wouldnt let me log in to my username thing for like hours. I have like 3 projects to do that were all due so long ago and the marking period ends friday. I like sat down tonight to do all of it and then just got distracted and i still havent started... ive been saying i was going to them for well since they were asigned. Tonight i got into a fight with my mom about school it was horrible... she doesnt believe me that im failing 3 classes but what ever it'll just hit her like the shocker... But the most important thing of the night is i need a skateboard and i have no money so if you wanna donate to the "i love kyle so much he should get a skateboard fund" just call me...